


Tanis and Phillip's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

by Frayach



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Brian's Ass, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2014-01-12
Packaged: 2018-01-08 10:49:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1131751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frayach/pseuds/Frayach
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tanis and Phillip are just trying to do their job and maintain a safe, affirming, feel-good haven for Pittsburgh's gay and lesbian community.  Why is Babylon's stud stallion so determined to make their lives difficult?  And, dear God in heaven, <i>why</i> does he have to have the most beautiful ass since Michelangelo's David?<br/><img/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Tanis and Phillip's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

**Author's Note:**

> Much of this story harkens to Peter Jackson's "Lord of the Rings" (especially King Theoden's speech to his men before entered the battle to save Minas Tirith) You'll see what I mean ;)  
> Many thanks to R for the perfect banner. You made my day, sweetie :)

Tanis and Phillip were already having a bad day when they arrived at their thanklessly-small office and turned on their outdated computers to discover that Brian Kinney had somehow gotten ahold of the Center’s email list and was sending all and sundry a photo of his bare ass with text that read “Come on, you all know you’ve been panting to pucker up and kiss my hot ass. Now you can have your chance and support the Gay and Lesbian Center in the process. Twenty bucks a smooch, and for every one, I will donate a $1.50 to the Center. So come to the Center on Friday night, or like far too many of you, don’t come at all.”

Now this wasn’t the first time Tanis and Phillip had been humiliated by Brian Kinney. In fact, Kinney seemed to go well out of this way to accomplish said humiliation every chance he got. First there was the award, then there was Carnivale. Kinney seemed to have made a second career out of making Tanis and Phillip look like petty, uptight prudes. It wasn’t fair! They were just trying to provide an open and affirming place for Pittsburgh’s gay population to gather and mingle. What had they ever done to Kinney to cause him to mock and demean them at every turn?

True, they loathed him; in fact they’d loathed him from the very first moment he got on their radar. Kinney was a disgrace to the gay community. He used his considerable influence and talent to seduce every young, handsome gay man and turn them against the Center’s agenda. He was profane; every other word that came out of his mouth was “fucking self-righteous prudes,” “dickless fag” and “cunty bitch.” Tanis and Phillip knew this from personal experience! Kinney was a slippery eel who was able to taunt Tanis and Phillip without actually implicating himself and thus leaving them to sputter and futility fume. Even his famed beauty felt like a personal affront! No God Tanis and Phillip wanted to worship would create such an arrogant, narcissistic, foul-mouthed, shit-stirring bastard and make him the most beautiful man to ever walk the face of the earth. There was something inherently wrong with a universe in which such a thing was allowed to occur. 

And it wasn’t as though Tanis and Phillip were incompetent losers! They’d go toe-to-toe with Kinney any day! He might be crude, but _they_ were passive-aggressive. He might be the consummate bully, but _they_ were officious to the point of being able to drive even the most amiable person around the bend. He might be able to provoke innocent people to unthinkable acts of borderline legality, but _they_ regularly made mild-mannered people want to gouge their eyes out with impotent rage over their pettifoggery. He might’ve made manipulation into an art form, but _they_ could spin inconsequential bullshit into gold. He may be an unrepentant pervert, but _they_ were unapologetic gadflies.

They could take Kinney any day of the week, even with one hand tied behind their backs!

But none of that changed the fact that Kinney had unilaterally organized a scandalous – and possibly unsanitary – charity event, that (though Tanis and Phillip were loath to admit) was likely to draw a crowd from such distant locales like Altoona and Cleveland! Could the Center hold all of those people? What were the fire code implications? What about riot control? But all concerns paled in the light that was the potential windfall for their beloved organization. Even receiving a $1.50 a smooch, the Center’s budget would be paid for up until 2012!

But in the end, pettiness always outweighs greed. God, they _so_ wanted to thwart Kinney’s endeavor, but how? Laudatory emails were pouring in. People were asking if they could make reservations so there’d be no chance they’d be left smoochless. Never had the Center received such an overwhelming response to a charity event! What to do? 

Then the idea came to them. Kinney had an Achille’s heel, and a surprising one at that. Kinney was over-sensitive to criticism. God help the person who made him doubt his inbred superiority. Although Tanis and Phillip were pretty sure that wouldn’t be able to make Kinney cry – at least not in public – they were certain they’d piss him off to the point that he overstepped the boundary of civilized behavior. In other words they needed some well-timed, well-placed provocateurs.

To Tanis and Phillip’s delight, it turned out that there were numerous sour grapes on the vine who were eager to jump at the chance to flap the unflappable Brian Kinney. True, they weren’t the most likeable individuals, and it (almost) troubled Tanis and Phillip that they were required by their plan to rub-elbows with some of the most embittered denizens of Liberty Ave. To the last, they were sallow-faced, concave-chested, and emotionally constipated. Their social skills were nonexistent, and far too many of them didn’t know basic grammar. But none of that mattered. The provocateurs needn’t be eloquent, they just needed to be assholes and, if possible, even bigger assholes than Kinney himself.

Meanwhile, some enterprising individual had set up an impromptu website promoting Kinney’s event – someone by the name of Justin Taylor. Was that the same kid who got bashed because Kinney was a shit-stirrer? Tanis and Phillip shook their heads pityingly. The poor kid had clearly been led astray, kidnapped by Kinney’s deceptive charm and was now suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. They’d feel sorry for the boy except the website he’d created was adding unwanted fuel to the fire. Taylor had filled it with beguiling, enticing, mouth-watering photos of Kinney’s ass clothed in everything from skin-tight black leather to worn denim to the snug cotton of his Calvin Klein briefs. There was even a photo of a side view of Kinney’s bare ass in which someone was touching the tip of his tailbone with a melting ice cube; it was such a close-up that you could even see the tiny goose bumps on Kinney’s flawless skin. Phillip, in particular, was unwillingly impressed by the quality of the photograph and the photographer’s expert manipulation of light and shadow. 

The website was doubly irritating because people could post comments. All of them, to the last one, expressed excitement (both emotional and sexual) over Kinney’s so-called “Ass Kissing Krusade.” There were raves reviews of Kinney’s ass from those who’d been so fortunate as to already have kissed it. There were numerous personal testimonials regarding the ripe tautness of Kinney’s buttocks, their rosy blush, the perfection of the creases between said buttocks and thighs, the artistic way his tailbone ended right at the top of his beautiful ass crack, and the graceful depth of said crack . . . some posters went even farther, speaking of Kinney’s “succulent asshole and its exquisite tightness.” _An unsurpassable experience!_ raved one person. _After rimming Brian Kinney, I’ve given up the practice because no one else’s anus could even come close enough for comparison, and I’d only be reminded of the most amazing night of my life – a night I’d give anything for the chance to live again._

It was so provoking! Everyone loved Kinney’s ass! Everyone wanted to kiss it! Everyone raved about its shape, its taste, and their ecstasy over the idea of having the opportunity to rest their puckered, wet lips against it. Some people even started offering to pay for the building of a new center for the Center if they could be given the opportunity to bury their face in Kinney’s crack or kiss his tailbone instead of his ass cheek or touch just the very tippity-tip of their tongue to that dwelling place of the gods that was Kinney’s asshole. One man claiming to be a multi-billionaire from Philly even offered to fund the construction of a K-thru-12 school for the children of Pittsburgh’s gay and lesbian community if only he was allowed to stick a well-lubed finger in Kinney’s ass all the up to his million-dollar signet ring and rub Kinney’s delectably-plump prostate.

“Something must be done!” Tanis cried. “The level of worshipful perversion being posted is disgusting; it violates the code of conduct relating to Center-sponsored events and official Center web communications! For the love of God, this must stop!”

Phillip rubbed his hands together with malicious glee:

“Release the trolls!” he cried, throwing wide the door to the public library and holding it open until every socially-challenging, vitriolic troll was inside and ensconced at a computer.

“You have pledged an oath!” Phillip said, rallying his troops. “You know your duty! Do whatever you can, through whatever means, to sully the reputation of Kinney’s ass. Have no mercy! Stop at nothing! Don’t even bother to spell check! Decades hence, when your children and grandchildren speak of this fateful day, you can raise your head, look them in the eye, and say ‘I was there.’ Many brave and valiant trolls will have their comments deleted today! Some may have their IP numbers captured!” Phillip cried. “Some may even be banned from the website! But such is the price of liberty, decorum and passive-aggressive revenge! Now type, my friends! Type!” 

Because the trolls’ grammar and spelling was so poor, the comments began posting almost immediately. Tanis and Phillip clutched each other’s hands in the kind of wild, orgasmic head rush that always accompanies power.

_U ppeepl r SO stewpid! Brins ass suks ass!_

_Brain’s but isn’t so grat. Peeple saying it is r on crack! Pun intended, but-heads! And that ones a pun 2! LOL, asshols!_

_I licced brian’s ass once. it tasted like a skunk or is it a rackoon – wich one of those fuckers stinks – I 4-get_

_I looked at the pics that everyone is like OMG SO AWESOME about. Am I missing something coz Bryan has a big fat flabby ass. It maks me want to PUKE!_

_he farted on my face once. It was GROS!_

And then the more sophisticated trolls began to post after they’d done a rudimentary edit.

_I don’t know why Brian’s ass is better than other peoples’ asses. I think this website does people a disservice by purporting that it is._

_Hello! Fact-check much? Kinney got plastic surgery. That “nice” butt youre all raving about is nothing but foam rubber. That’s why he can’t sit out in the sun for long. His ass will melt. Kind of like you guys’s brains._

_I resent having to be subjected to pictures of some random guy’s ass. Will the Center please do something about this? If you don’t I will cancel my subscription to your newsletter._

_Who is this ‘Brian Kinney’ dude and why do I have to care? There’s alot of people out there that don’t like asses. What about us?_

_TBH, it’s IMHO that, not only is Brian Kinney’s ass ugly, the rest of him is too. WTF?! I should be allowed to not be subjected to this shit!_

_There is too much swearing in the comments section of this website. My children might stumble across it and how am I going to be able to explain such horrible, perverted things to them? Obviously, no one cares about the children even though they are our future. They could be scarred for life by naked buttocks and bad language!_

_I feel personally offended by this guy’s disgusting ass_.

_I’m an artist so I can tell you from experience that this man’s buttocks are uninspiring. I expected more from the Center._

_I’m a really really really gay guy, and this dude’s butt is like the biggest turn off EVER._

And then – like reinforcements to a heated battle – came the fellow possessors of hot asses and the international connoisseurs of hot asses speaking from their experience of a thousand hot asses from around the world. They were Tanis and Phillip’s coup de grace.

_I just want to say that I’ve read all the comments here. While some are correct that Kinney’s ass is among the top fifty percent of desirable asses, I think it’s only due to Pittsburgh’s provincial nature that Kinney’s ass is considered exceptional. I, myself, have had the opportunity to touch, kiss – and indeed rim – the world’s most exquisite asses including the asses of Arabian princes, Olympian gold medal winners, true Danish blonds, and the occasional Tibetan monk. Compared to them, Kinney’s ass is like trying to compare Thomas Kinkade to Leonardo Di Vinci – it’s an affront to ass lovers everywhere._

_I feel sorry for the people that have commented to say that Mr. Kinney’s ass is the most beautiful ass they’ve seen. It says a lot about the poor quality of asses they’ve heretofore been exposed to. I wish I could take these poor, benighted creatures under my wing and teach them about what a _real_ man’s ass looks like. I pity them their unfortunate and impoverished state and just hope that their lives will improve._

_I’m concerned that the quality of ass in our culture is so very bankrupt. I urge Mr. Kinney and those who admire his ass to broaden your minds. In fact, I am embarrassed for Mr. Kinney – in his ignorance he clearly believes his ass to be extraordinary. I just hope that when the day inevitably arrives when he realizes he’s only been wearing the emperor’s ass that he will become a more humble man. Elsewise he shall die alone and embittered, loved by none and forgotten by all._

Both Tanis and Phillip had tears in their eyes after reading their trolls’ comments, but it wasn’t just because they were gleefully, karmically happy; their trolls had actually made them feel sorry for Kinney. Had they gone too far? Would Kinney surrender his fuck-nest and retire to an unpopulated and desolate block of Liberty Avenue and disappear into sexual obscurity? Would he flee Pittsburgh in shame? Would be go so far as to cut off his ass to spite his trolls? Or, even more worrisome, would he go rogue and wield his ass not for good, but for evil? And if he did, would Tanis and Phillip be responsible for the devastation that ensued??

It was time to call off the trolls . . . but what had been done could not be undone. The trolls were no longer under their command. They’d tasted man ass, and their hunger would never be sated.

What had Tanis and Phillip done?

They were just about to intervene in the troll-fest when suddenly, through the carnage and smoke, they saw Kinney and his delicious little sidekick mount each other – no, not each other, Phillip corrected himself – their steeds, damnit and ride into the thick of the melee.

The trolls cowered and some of the stupidest started to flee, but others stood their ground.

It turned out to be a big mistake.

Kinney and Taylor, like a perfectly synchronized pairs figure skating couple, slashed and burned their way through Trolldom, sparing neither women and children nor trolls that were masquerading as women and children.

The tide of the battle had turned. No troll was a match for Kinney’s foul, obscenity-laden responses to their trolling. He laid waste to their sarcasm, and demolished their entitlement with language that would make God himself and his archangels blush.

“You rat-fucking pussies!” Kinney yelled. “You pathetic cockroach-rimming, algae-eating sexual-troglobites! You only _wish_ I would fart on your faces! It would be the first time you guys ever had an orgasm, you ignorant, grammar-challenged, dick-cheese-sniffing primates! Suck my huge, bulging balls, you cunt-lapping, Chihuahua-humping inbreeds! Your mothers slurp from week-old jizz-filled condoms like rancid smoothies, and your daddies’ dicks are the size of dwarf barnacles! My cock would shrivel if it got within a country-mile of your assholes, which, by the way, are superfund sites unapproachable without full hazmat gear. The only part of my body that would deign to touch your Lincoln-tunnel-sized holes is the tip of my fucking boot, which I will then throw away to prevent contamination of my other footwear. Each and every one of you can line up and beg my Sunshine here for mercy . . . and I mean _beg_ , you bloated, offal-stuffed sausages crammed full of dumb-shittery! On your knees, and I don’t mean that in a healthy, sex-positive way. You’re not kissing my ass even if you won a Nobel fucking Prize for saving humanity from extinction. Lick my honey-sweet taint, your rude motherfuckers!”

And then, as the trolls cringed in the light of Sunshine, Taylor delivered the final blow. It was simple, eloquent and condescending. “I’m not sure you fully understand,” he said in a polite WASPy voice. “You’re nothing but angry people who are mean because you have nothing better to do. I could suggest any number of hobbies you could take up and charitable organizations you could volunteer for. It makes both Brian and I sad that there are so many of you pining for a life. Please take steps to help yourself. The first is to just admit that you are, in fact, assholes. After that, you can attend AA (Asshole Anonymous) meetings. There is hope for you. Brian and I will pray for your transformation. God loves all of you . . . well, most of you. Go forth, my friends, and don’t multiple.” 

Kinney then grabbed his lover’s hand and put it on his crotch.

“Infantile sarcasm makes me hot,” he purred. “How ‘bout we go back to the loft and you can prepare my ass for kissing.” He winked. Tanis and Phillip swallowed mouthfuls of vomit and removed themselves to discuss how they could banish Kinney forever. Alas, they eventually arrived at the unsatisfying conclusion that Kinney was an incorrigible fuck-wad with the support of the unwashed masses. Any attempt they made to reform him would be futile and any attempt to censor him would only lead to a shit-storm of Biblical proportions.

This has been a long tale with many juvenile diversions and unedifying snarky asides; you, gentle readers, are certainly more than impatient for its conclusion (in fact you’re probably emailing the mods as I write). I, your humble author, should be working on at least a dozen different WIPs (all of them with unconscionably angsty cliffhangers). This current endeavor is not only frivolous and self-indulgent but deeply irritating. I shall prevaricate no longer . . .

In the end our gentle protagonists, Tanis and Phillip, drank a lot of elderberry wine and, while clutching their pearls, made gracious appearances (although the photographs depicted them as looking more constipated with indignation than radiating graciousness) at Kinney’s Ass Kissing Krusade. In the end, even they were charmed by Kinney’s adorable, blushing ass cheeks and tightly puckered asshole. Phillip and many of the defeated trolls even lined up to plant an adoring smooch on the smooth, flawless, peach-taut ripe fullness of Kinney’s incomparable derriere. At the end of the day, Kinney’s charity had not only padded the Center’s coffers well into the next century, but made Kinney into an even wealthier motherfucker than before. But then, like they’ve been saying since that guy, William-what’s-his-face’s day, all is well that ends well. 

The End.


End file.
